Hi to whoever who's still reading this blog, gimme a shoutout!

Was looking through my blog entries from the old blog...And i came to a conclusion that i was really really mean. I cant believe some of the things i said about yu shan and all. Granted, i was so mad but to curse her till the extent....

Well, friendships are meant to go through trials, i guess. I honestly missed alot of my friends, like cheryll, shakira, angela, haziq,zul,sherling etc and they were at the back of my mind all the time even though i dont say it... Well, we've all grown apart which is really sad. To think i once saw a future with us still hanging out together everyday of our lives. Cheryll and i eating hokkien mee, playing bball with ira and yosin, joking around with angela and shakira... What diverse routes our lives have taken huh? Thinking back to the days in JC, where i was always perpetually mean to cheryll and was just happy being around with the usual clique of angela,zul ,shakira,cheryll,sherling,qiujing...

Well, this is sad. I'm still in regular contact with shakira and angela(aided by the numerous postcards! =D) but sadly i've stopped talking to cheryll for quite some time. Really, what happened? We used to be so close in JC and do stupid things together. What happened? Well, i used to see a future with us 4 meeting up regularly with our kids in tow... and the guys from class fooling around. Now the future lacked cheryll but i still see shakira and angela...

Haha I'm sorry guys. I took so long to grow up compared to you guys. I'm sorry i was so mean and rude and selfish in the past. I'm sorry everyone of you had to go through that tempest of a storm with my temper problems. I'm sorry that i didn't put in effort to remain in contact. I'm sorry if my pride stopped me from saying how much i really treasure you guys. I'm sorry for everything.

Seems like certain things were too late to patch up but all i can do is to march on. I guess its true. Travelling forces you to grow up.

At first USA, i was still a kid. I was around Singaporeans, friends and took everything for granted. Yes i was selfish and mean. But honestly, my pride and temper was the killer. Even when i felt sorry , i wouldn't open my mouth because i refuse to admit it. Friendships were at stake. everything were at stake. Yet i wouldn't say anything.

Then France. France was the main reason i grew. So much so much. Having to travel alone at times. Admittedly i didn't get along with alot of people. I realised i dont get along with people from singapore very well. It was really strange because , when i was with the europeans, i lost my temper alot lesser and was alot happier. And when i did lose my temper, they knew how to calm me down. And they understood the unspoken words in my heart. That i was really sorry and guilty. France was easily the happiest time of my life. Thanks to my european friends, i've grown alot more mature and able to handle negative points.

And i realised something more. For everytime that i lost my temper and got angry, it is not necessarily my fault. Because sometimes the other party is fucked up. and it just so happens that the people with fucked up characters are singaporeans. Hence, i get angry alot more with them. Europeans were really nice people.

Now i can differentiate when i'm being unreasonable when i lost my temper and when i HAVE a right to be mad. And thats a huge improvement. Because people dont piss me off as easily, i've become more tolerant, or so i think.

Even though my poisonous mouth needs some work, i dont intend to change that. Because the people that manage to make me so pissed off now that i will use those evil words/sentences on them , deserve it. Because my tolerance has improved alot.

Finally Montreal! Well as usual, i met singaporeans that came from sg and germany DIRECTLY  for the same internship .And as usual, we dont get along very well, thanks to certain really disturbing characteristics.

Well the more i think about it, Singaporeans character and attitude in general (just generalising, like maybe 70% of sg pp that i know, by no means accurate) needs some serious work. I hardly lost my temper when i was hanging out with the europeans but with singaporeans, the things they do, the attitude they have and the thinking they have, gets on my nerves.

Selfish, irresponsible,inability to make proper decisions, no strong opinion, grudge-holding etc is just the tip of the iceberg. Like over the range of people i saw around the globe, somehow sg pp has the most xia suay mentality. I dont know why. Maybe i just got the weird ones or maybe its me.

I dont deny. I have such mentalities too but i'm trying actively to correct them. The most irritating thing about such pp is that they are really annoying but they dont bother to correct it and still think they are correct.Its annoying. Just for example, i'm not holding grudges, just mainly for example sake,like how when common things you share run out, you have to inform the rest and get it replaced asap. They will keep quiet and its real irritating coz when you're about to use it then its like TA-DAH! its finished.

And they actually get mad at you if you tell them to say it the next time.(okay i said it in a really irritated tone but then i have a right to be pissed!) Like wow, great way to take criticism dude, you need to brush up on social skills. Its really simple. When things ran out in France, Rowena(my german roomie that i love so much) would tell me and ask me to get them on the way home, if i have the time. And i would just agree and get it. and there's never any bad blood. Like when i'm too noisy, rowena would tell me to keep it low, and me vice versa. We dont have problems getting along, infact we cook together, watch movies together, dyed our hair together and hang out basically 24/7 .

Admittedly my temper was not the best but even when i was unreasonable, rowena never took it to heart. Same for me. Same for Anja(my irish friend that i love so dearly). Thats why we're such great friends. Like i know anja has got a fiery temper. So everytime she's mad, i try to calm her down. Even though it may not be my fault, i'll still take the blast. After everything's over, we turn to each other and apologise and thats it , case closed, best friends as ever.

Thats the attitude Singaporeans lack. The ability to not hold grudges. And they think their jokes are funny when its not,it borders between insulting and lame.I dont see any european guys make jokes out of insults, their jokes are REAL jokes.Like , okay sg guys, nice try at jokes, but fuck you, its an insult and i'm not stupid enough to laugh along. Geez get some lessons in jokes and oh at how to be a gentleman at the same time. You desperately need it.I dont know. I think i've changed alot.

Because i'm finally in control of my life.

I KNOW what i deserve. I KNOW what i'm worth. I KNOW who are losers and deserve to be on the receiving end of my temper blast.

Life?

WOW i'm like finally back? i totally forgot i had this!

haha! wellll loads of updates actually! last year was kinda stormy,and i ruined alot of friendships,never to be recovered again i guess.

But well,this yr i tried to turn things up,you know, be more receptive to insults and trying to rein that famous temper of mine in.And i realised that well,mayb that the stress from having to perform in touch rug was pulling me down.It didn't help that my grandma and my uncle passed away this year and i was so so wrecked.

Well that was last sem and this sem i'm coping better.After quitting,i saw the world in a diff light and probably tried to help myself out of the 3 year breakup slum.Yea, i was a total loser for like 3 yrs.

So now i'm trying to rein in my fats,gain back my confidence and just forget everything.

I do feel relieved tho, i seemed to have seen the light and i really am trying hard to walk towards it.

I do feel better!

I MUST REALLY STOP MY RELIANCE ON ALCOHOL!

i never thought i could be so articulate but anw,i commented on e big fight of jc vs poly

I don't think that Mr Lee Beng Tat is totally wrong or immature as many others have said.Though the way he puts his ideas through are rather offensive ans insensitive,it doesn't mean that the idea he's trying to put across is immature or elitist.

He does make sense when he says that Poly grads complain that there aren't enough places allocated to them.Many students move on to poly knowing that the chances of making it to most universities are slim.However,they chose the route and when they fail to get a placing in any university,they bring the issue, that there's not enough placement for poly grads,upThe author is trying to bring across the idea that,ultimately , we are all responsible for the decisions we made.So if a poly grad failed to get a placement,they should understand that their grades have not made the mark and not because the system is unfair in the places allocated for poly grads.

This is not a comparison about whether JC grads are better than Poly grads.It is a matter of which institution is better tailored for university and which has a better chance of entering a university.To be honest,many poly grads find it hard to cope in university because the courses they took in their polys are more specialised than the JC students.Furthermore,many of the modules taken in university tend to follow the JC curriculum,hence,the indication that JC is better as a pre uni institution.

To those who deem JC students immature, just as you complained that the author is immature for using such hard words to descride poly grads,aren't you just as bad by using such words to describe JC grads?

I am a JC grad and while i agree that the author's usage of words are too harsh,i agree that poly grads should take responsibility of their own grades if they fail to get a placement ,instead of making a big hoo ha over the spaces allocated.However,reagarding the priority issue,JC students already have priority when it comes to the number of spaces allocated in local universities, hence,there's no need for more priority.However,i dont think that the spaces allocated for poly grads ahould be increased.Like many others,this is based on meritocracy,only the cream of the crop from both institutions should be given a placing.

Alot of things have happened recently and i feel i must explain myself.
i dont care who's side are you on and whether u thinki am speaking accurately...If u dont like wat i'm saying,i wont stop you but pls dun read on if u're not very happy.

this blog is my only refuge now and i'm saying exactly wat i tink
1) Firstly,i have to make it clear,if u're not close to me,kindly do not take the liberty to mess with me.i mean as in usually i'm okay with it but not when i'm really down or tired.its like another stress to me.i cant smile coz it cracks my face.

things started when person A swiped some eyeshadow on my face out of the blue for no reason when i'm busy finding my own stuff.Person B started laughing and congratulated him.while i stand there in irritation.the first thought tat came to my mind was "why cant any of u leave me alone even when i'm not talking or making any noise?? why must i get this from A when i haven't even talked to him??" The laughing of B pissed me off.because:
B thinks its incredibly funny coz he isn't the one feeling tired and being used as a joke.

Is there a need to laugh like this and congrat A?have you ever considered my feelings? no,coz u were busy enjoying it when it was'nt you.

then,i did the same to B coz " if u can think its such a great joke when it happened to me.why dont YOU TRY IT??"

honestly,what kind of friend are u?u can laugh but is there a need for such loud and long laughter?u're seriously getting on my nerves.

Admittedly,i was too much when i put it on his white shirt with blue eyeshadow.But weren't u jus saying in e aft noon,u can wait to get rid of e shirt?

B got pissed and kicked my on my large bruise on my hip.DO U HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH IT HURT?doesn't mean i keep my silence means it doesn't hurt.

Yes you're angry over this,den what makes u tink i wasn't angry over e incident earlier?Are you trying to say its okay for u to getr angry but i cant? coz i'm like a joke machine for u guys rite?

Even if i was very angry,i would NEVER hit someone.i would only scold vulgarities.yes i noe what everyone's thinking.u always slap us for fun.But then think properly,tat was when i wasn't angry.Have any of u saw me hit someone first when i'm angry?
Have u ever thought wat went thru my mind?"u are a guy and how can u hit a gal?"
no matter how tomboyish i was,i am still a girl.You said i was ill bred.Den based on this,wat was B?

after the hit,i didn't spew any vulgarities even tho it was really painful.i said " why dont u let me hit u once and then we're fair?" but you started scolding vulgarities at me.Tell me again,i tot u were very well bred?
First B(you) hit me and then B scolded me with vulgarities.I cant help but think its very ungentlemanly...you said "chi bye, your parents raised you up so many years to have no brains?"

den let me ask you.u're older than me two years and u haven't noticed tat guys should not hit gals?Juinnkai said why did i smear it on yoiu knowing this might happen....
i can only say this truthfully;
" i figured out B will be angry and react but while i was expecting e vulgarities and all,i REALLY wasn't expecting e physical action.After all,he's more mature! "

i was so wrong.one fact: Dont call me ill bred coz ur actions weren't very savoury.YES i admit i was wrong to start,but wat about you?did you really think anyone loves being laughed at like this and keep quiet? i haven't even done anything to u all and i even kept quiet coz i wanted to fade away and left away.

when i was noisy,u all complained.When i'm quiet cant u all leave me alone?

But irregardless i take responsibility for the fact that i shouldn't have smeared on your shirt.I did my best holding back my irritattion and anger but i guess when it came to the vulgarities i couldn't hold back alrdy.

The rest thinks i keep bringing this up and giving everyone a hard time.Do all of u all seriously think i like this?I brought it up again coz B rash actions aggravated my injury.pp can tell me to forgive and forget,i would have if there was no pain involved.After all without the physical aggravation,only words tat hurt and these can be forgotten.

But now B have aggravated my injury.Let me ask, have it been you,would u forgive?and forget?

someone commented can it be that my frens jus wan to get over with the argument coz they dont like being caught in the middle.True i agree no one likes tis.
But if u are this sort of frens,what does it say?you dont care about wat those involved think?
B can put it out of his mind coz he's not injured.more over he doesn't feel a tiny bit guilty.i cant do anything about it,it just speaks volume about anyone's character ,thinking and bringing up.I wont comment on bringing up coz i'm not the parents,i have no right.Jus as i respect you,respect me.Even if i keep quiet,it doesn't mean i've forgotten or forgiven.It just means i've decided to give in because i've realised tat you aren't fully aware or matured enough.

I feel so much anger but things like this have a funny way of coming back,on the contrary, i'll soon realise that i've become a better person because i chose to give way in such a unforgivable issue.Whereas for you....hah.

i read somewhere something that really made sense.

AS YOU GROW UP,YOU DONT LOSE FRIENDS ,YOU JUST REALISE WHO ARE YOUR REAL FRIENDS.

Now i figured out.

Have been so stressed recently i wasn't myself at all.too tired and too stressed
when will it all end?i dunno.
on the verge of breaking down alrdy

WHEEE!!! i seriously have a badd case of shoppaholic woes and mugger-wanna-be-syndrome.

my sis jus came back from bangkok...WITHHHHHHH C-L-O-T-H-E-S!!!i noe wat u'll say(like duh)

but its really uber super cuteeee!!!its like super me and really comfy,somehow i tink everyone is mortified at my many tshirts and shorts.i never seem to dress lady like.oh wells,sorry pp but i'll TRY to be lady like.

speaking of which,i tink there is evidence i grew fatter.hence the incentive to sign up for a slimming programme is even greater.dont u jus LOVEEEE being me? so drama la my life.

anw,i was broadcasted in razor tv,like super unglam,malayu looking and damn bimbotic.its for e bloody carwash to raise awareness of the main cause of death in women is actually heart related causes.=)i'm fammmousss.YA .RITE.

lols anw,i've been really interested in french.some how,sudd e fighting spirit in me jus burned up recently.its like i really wanna have e top of e world feeling i had last time.like good in studies,have a great bf,fit looking, good in sports,alot of frenz....which were sadly a thing of the past.i want it all back and i've never felt hungrier than now.mayb my tummy's growling...JUS KIDDING!!!


oh man.feeling really intimidated when i look at e hill of work i needa do.its e same feeling when i bump into tzu wei.E UBER tall guy from hall....
FEAR.

shhhh dun let him noe.i must act tough=)